Assorted from the web

TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba’t di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor.
ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.
TATAY: Bakit naman?
ANAK: Matalino tatay nun!

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True Story daw ito?

A 70-year old ‘lolo’ from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.

The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him.

The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

“Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?” The grandson translated.
“Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon.”
“He said he wants to see his children there.”

Fair enough, that’s what the lolo’s application indicated.

The Consul had another question. “Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can’t his children just come and visit him here?” The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: “Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko.
Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay.”
(Translation: “Tell him, my children were born here. They’ve seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.”)

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any motion, that he was rejecting the visa application “because the applicant was unable to speak any word of English.”

“Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles.”

The lolo was equally unimpressed. “Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko: “&#^$*$%(&* niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog!?”

Translated, “He said: You son of a @&$^^%*, how come you are here… you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?”

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo’s visa application in pronto.

go LoLo…mabuhay ang Pinoy!!!

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ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..
ERAP: Really? Thank you..

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INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?
ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.
INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?
ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.
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SA RESTORAN…
CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba ‘tong binigay mo sa akin, kape o tsaa? Lasang gas ‘to ah!
WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan! Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!

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AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat all you can, don’t be shy, feel at home!
IN TAGALOG:
Kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!

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Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee!

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Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A.
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Mali!
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Mali pa rin!
Pare: O sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!

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Patient: Doc takot po ako sa bunot.
Dentist: Eto gamot, pampatapang ng loob.
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: Ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: Oo doc! Langya pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

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Prospective Employer to Applicant: “So why did you leave your previous job?”
Applicant: “The company relocated and they did not tell me where!”
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Misis: Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin.Radio Host: Ok, go ahead!
Misis: Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!
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WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya “GO TO HELL”, kaya ito uwi agad ako.
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AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili(may talent si Inday!!)
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Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
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Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That’s not true! My dad sez we a re descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
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